It was really good for me to write the post last week about our Ben. It gave me intentional time to really stop and think just about him and our relationship. What he means to me and what I learned from him. It was cathartic, I cried as I wrote the post and I cried after I posted it. It was good for me to write it and to stop and to give myself time to just feel the feelings.
I am out of balance I know it, there seem to be so many things I want to give my time to, the babes first and for most, and my beautiful Marco deserves more time than he gets from me. And then I have my own wants, things I want to give my time to; from a book, to a photographic course, a cert IV in colour, to sewing gifts for my friends and family, to restoring furniture, to getting fit, catching up with new friends in Canberra and keeping in touch with old friends in Melbourne and elsewhere, and amongst all those things there are other deep needs that I have not touched on. Like the need for me to find space to feel the loss of my Mum, to hold the feelings and to give myself the gift of being able to fully feel the emotions that are sitting next to me, but that I keep contained because there is so many other things to do at any point in time. To give myself time to feel the pain and let it wash over me and then to feel better because I felt it.
At the gym this week I commented on one women’s lovely modern floral overnight bag she used for her gym visits, she told me her Mum gave it to her, her Mum was a great shopper and would often pass on no longer wanted items to her daughters. I was envious. Not in a nasty way, in a longing way. I wanted that!! Not the bag, the Mum, the Mum to go shopping with, the Mum to give me things she no longer wanted but mostly just my Mum to be with me! During my shower I cried, as quietly as I could, and I tired to hold those feelings and just feel them.
I miss her hugs, I miss her unconditional love, I miss her wisdom and grace, I miss her craft, her compassion, her knowledge of all things family, food, garment making…the list goes on. I wish that she were here to tell me what I was like as a little girl, to tell me how my babes are or are not like me, to tell me how old I was when I started to read or write letters, to hear her memories of Ben, Jess and I when we were kids. To tell me that she loves me and that she thinks I am a good, no great, Mum and that I am doing a good job…oh that would be so special and mean so much coming from her, I know she would tell me that and I know she would mean it too! GOD it is hard to do this mothering gig without her.
So I am out of balance, I know that in the writing of this post, and the posting of this post I have restored it just a little. I have sat with the feelings of loss and let them wash over me and feel them and cried. Exactly what I needed to do. I know I have more tears to cry, many….many….many….more for this titanic loss.
I didn’t want this blog to be a sad outpouring of the difficult stuff. As I said when I started I wasn’t sure what this blog would be. Maybe it will help me get some of my balance back, but gee I hope it also holds lots of fun!