heavy day and optimistic people

This week has been a tough one for me.  Mothers day has been looming large, there have been ad’s on TV, print media and radio,  It is in my face screaming at me, “Mother’s Day is coming…still coming…still looming…and you don’t have a mother any more”.

The lead up has been horrible.  It may explain the exhaustion I have felt this week.  I was in tears a couple of evenings, once the babes were tucked in bed, and I could let those emotions free.

Last year on Mother’s day, 3 months after Mum had died, I had the most emotionally difficult day I had had since the funeral.  It is not surprising I know.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for others who lose a loved one on or near Christmas, Easter or another significant time of the year, the reminders of that loss are in the lead up to that event as well as the anniversary.

Many years ago I read Tuesdays with Morrie, a book about a man who is dying and the author of the book, Mitch Albom who redevelops a relationship with Morrie and visits him every Tuesday.  Morrie’s insights and connections are inspiring and he is genuinely dying with amazing grace.   It was inspiring to me, and one of my favourite books, one I like to read every few years.

Today I came across this extract of a documentary on Philip Gould, a British Politician, When I Die.  It is simple beautiful and inspiring, for me the strong message was even with death looming we have choices.

My mother was not afraid of dying, she was amazingly accepting, she was sad at times and I recall her saying that she was sad for us, who may have to bear the grief and loss of her from our lives.   She was a deeply spiritual women and I am certain that her spirituality helped her greatly at this time in her life.

After 4 years of fighting a brain tumour at home and in and out of hospitals, intensive care, and rehabilitation centres, she was admitted into high care at a nursing home (aged 56) where she spent another 4 years trapped in her body. She lost the ability to move, to talk, to see, then to communicate in any away.  She suffered such pain being trapped in that body for so long. Because she was young and despite the damaged brain her body was strong and health which is why she lived so long, until it is believed the brain tumour grew into an area of the brain that was required for critical functions like breathing.

I am affected equally by the feelings of the loss of my mother this Mothers day as I am of the joy and fortune I have at being a mother.  I know I am deeply blessed to have children and I am crazy in love with them, I am also a girl who doesn’t have her mum and that hurts a great deal more on Mothers day then many other days in the year.

I shared my mum with my beautiful sister Jess, who I now share my grief and loss with.  I hate that Jess has had to bare this burden in her life, yet grateful to have walked this journey with her.


3 thoughts on “heavy day and optimistic people

  1. I see so much of Jess especially in this lovely photo.

    I wish I’d met and known your dear Mum. Sometimes it feels like I did 🙂


  2. oh rachel, I wish I could knock on your door and give you a big, squeezy hug. such a beautiful post, but very hard to read at the same time. I can feel your pain through your words. but these photos are so beautiful. be kind to yourself, you are allowed to feel this way – even if hallmark make you feel like you shouldn’t. big hugs xxx

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