Two years ago today I had croissants for breakfast. It was a day I had waited for and dreaded for many, many years prior. It was today two years ago that my beautiful Mama died, following over eight years battling with a terminal brain tumour, robbing her of every facility, rendering her trapped in a body from which she could no longer communicate, move or control in any way.
I was pretty sad this morning when I was getting ready to head off for school drop off. My sensitive boy cuddled me and said “It’s sad when your Mum dies because you miss her so much.” Later when we were in the car, he said sadly that he didn’t want me or his Daddo or Poppy to die, and he doesn’t want to die, and that he knows one day he will.
I quickly scribbled a note to his teacher in case he was upset during school, he is a sensitive soul our Fox. I didn’t hand the note to his teacher as he seemed his bouncy happy self once at school amongst his peers.
After the bell went and he went into class, I sat outside talking with another parent. Fox came out of his room. He wanted me to come with him and stay with him in class, at that point I was glad to have written a note for the teacher and handed it over as I brought him back to his room.
At pick-up time I spoke with Fox’s teacher. Grateful for the note, she told me that Fox was the ‘reporter’ today. It was his job to observe students during their counting activities in the morning and draw someone or something that he found interesting and talk about it with the students. She told me that instead of drawing something from the morning activities he had drawn me crying, and told the kids that his “Mama was crying and sad today”. She went on to say that one of the kids had asked why? To which another replied “It’s because she is pregnant”…..his teacher and I had a good laugh.
I’ve written before about the importance of family rituals and being honest with our children in child-appropriate ways, in relation to the difficult stuff. I think we are doing this reasonably well without being flippant or over the top.
Today Poppy and I followed the tradition started two years ago: we eat croissants, with Nutella or Jam. Poppy was just one year and ten days old when Mum died. One of my deep sadnesses is that my kids don’t to have time with their amazing grandma Florence who would have been such a wonderful grandma and friend to my children.
There have been days in the last few weeks when I have really missed my Mama. Like the time when Poppy was crying because I wouldn’t let her talk on the phone, with someone I’d called for telephone banking. I wished my Mum was around, I could have called her and she and her Poppy could have chatted way. She would have been such a practical support to me during my pregnancies and after our babies were born. If only we had had that chance.
I know lots of people who have mothers who are a wonderful support in their lives. I also know lots of people whose mothers are less than helpful. I know that I am fortunate to have been one of those people who had a wonderful Mum who cared so deeply, loved so immensely, taught my siblings and I important and significant lessons, trusted us, gave appropriate boundaries, taught us the importance of communication, taught us there is always choice, was an honourable, trustworthy and fair woman. I know I am one of the lucky people who have had such wonderful parenting, I’m sad though that I don’t still have her, there is so much more I could have gained and she would have lovingly given. The loss is immense for all of us.
My Beautiful Mum, my brother Ben and me.