She was pushing boundaries all day. She watched me as she slowly put her foot into the paint, again and again as I sat on the lounge feeding Gil. All I could do was to asked her to stop after doing so numerous times with no avail I then growled at her. I know kids feet in paint no big deal right?! It wasn’t really I guess it but it wasn’t just that which was the issue, it was the not listening and deliberately being disobedient, goading me, watching me as she did it to get a response. And I got hooked and growled at her.
It was the pushing and pulling on Gil, which I don’t growl at but do need to coach her to be more gentle with. She just loves him but is too firm, she’ll pull his fingers open, or accidentally leans on him when kissing, or puts her finger in his ear, wakes him up when he is sleeping, tires to pick him up….. the list goes on. This week I have done too much coaching, ‘just be careful’, ‘don’t pick him up’, ‘just give him some space’ sure it goes along with the usual praise ‘your such a good big sister’, ‘such a great cuddlier’, ‘you love him so much’, ‘he loves you so much’, ‘I’m so proud of how you care for him’ etc, etc BUT I am sure she just feels she can’t do what she wants too.
Later I found Poppy digging holes in the courtyard, she knows it’s not ok. Again she kept digging when asked to stop and again I growled this time I had free hands to remove her. Shortly after in the bath she kept putting her feet on Gil, after warnings and finally (desperately wanting her to stop for both our sakes) I counted to three she continued and was again removed and again I growled. Tears followed and tantrums, then she cried wanting a cuddle (to know she is loved, to feel nurtured, to be close) and of course I would never deny that, I jump at the chance to cuddle any time but especially after I have been the gruff.
I think it is fair to say she’s missing me she needs me and she needs special dedicated Poppy times, tonight she and I cooked dinner together just us, which can only work when Gil is calm or asleep. It’s hard to find times some days for just she and I.
I have to be vigilant when she is around Gil because she simply isn’t gentle and wants to do things beyond her abilities. That coupled with me not being able to give to my two big babes the way I could before our new baby or the way I want too is hard for them and therefore hard for me.
Love is a bumpy road some times. I sometimes write the things I would have talked through with my mum, to give them airspace, to think them out a little, I just wish I had her extra hands but more so her wisdom, love and hugs responding and encouraging me and coaching me as a mum. The hard stuff sometime feels even harder without her around.